I like you. I like you a lot, and have done for a long time. I don’t think this will come as a surprise to you, I haven’t exactly been coy about it.
I do, however, think that our relationship has been in many ways one sided. I feel like I’ve forgiven you for a lot. Not just the bad films, or the experiments gone wrong (I actually sorry of like those; your capacity and willingness is one of my favourite things about you), but the endless reboots and remakes, and the continual chances you keep giving to the likes of Michael Bay and Quentin Tarantino. I even came back after the disgracefully limited run you gave The Awakening.
Despite all of this, I always end up back queuing at your box office, walking down your sticky aisles, and sitting in your uncomfortable standard seats (not for the likes of me, the luxury of premier).
But I think your latest obsessive fad may be staining our relationship too far. I am, of course, talking about 3D.
Oh, it was exciting when it first appeared. Thick-rimmed indie glasses, the niggling headache as I staggered out into the cool air after the credits had tolled. And it even managed to put enough if a gloss onto Avatar that for a moment we didn’t notice what a shallow remake of Pocohontus it was.
But it’s three years later, and like three dry rot you try to ignore, it hasn’t gone away. In fact, it’s got worse.
3D cinema is like hoverboards and jetpacks. The future continually promises them to is, yet every attempt ends in disappointing failure, and the idea is put back into the science-fiction box only to be brought out and obliviously tried again a few years later.
It was okay whilst you were offering 2D alternative showings. I could watch and enjoy your films without the headaches, and others could do as they chose.
I first noticed your attitude change with Dredd 3D. I should probably have guessed from the title, but I didn’t think it would be 3D only. I was hurt. I was disappointed. But I told myself it was a one-off.
And now it’s that time of year when we all like to watch a good horror film. No, not Paranormal Activity 4. I said a good horror film. Though whether Silent Hill Revelation will be any better is uncertain.
But that doesn’t really matter, because you’ve done it to me again. Yes, you’re only showing Silent Hill Revelation in 3D. I could cry.
So tonight, in order to enjoy (maybe) some psychological horror I’ll have to wear those uncomfortable spectacles, and have the paracetamol standing by. Oh I’ll do it. We both know that. It’s how abusive relationships like this work.
But I won’t be happy, cinema. Not like I used to be with you. Because it’s become clear to me that this isn’t some passing phase, it’s not something you’ll get over. You care more about 3D than you do about me, the audience.
Cinema, I’m sorry, but I think we need to see other people.